A year ago I pondered on how I would feel if my imaginary son were to date me.
The idea of a man I would love the most in the world dating me…well I had never thought about it but now that I was thinking about it, it was a definite no way.
I had always thought that of course I was a catch. I must have listed nonsense on my catch list. Because by re-framing it and listing really important qualities I would want in the partner for my future son …well I just didn’t match up.
To be honest it was sort of surprising and enlightening to stand in the streets coming to a full stop thinking about this. It wasn’t that I was a bad person but I wasn’t someone I would want for someone I loved. I thought well maybe I shouldn’t be dating anyone right now. And I did wonder if I would ever date again if my new criteria for dating was being good enough to date my imaginary son.
Why was I not good enough? I thought. Well I wasn’t fundamentally bad or incorrect but there were some things that weren’t becoming.
I put my finger on somethings I had not ever thought about before…like I was angry most days. And if I didn’t take into account looks or body gymnastics, if you took that all away, there was at the center a jaded heart. I was holding others to account for myself. I was in need and not a separate entity. I was not open with my heart even it looked like it.
Since then I have been rather quiet on this blog. I haven’t spent a lot of time now writing about love or its loss. I am significantly less sentimental. However my love life is actually much more interesting. Somewhere in this time I stopped caring to keep people and defining who I was with who I was with, I started to express my feelings no matter how ugly they looked to me or made me look.
I stopped being cool.
Boys have still come and gone but I am not my traditional self.
I don’t cry or sulk. I don’t blame others for not being where “I think” they should be. And if it is not what I want — open clear and loving – I don’t see the need to be with a man just to be with one so with no drama I state what I feel and exit in a direct way and hope it causes little harm.
This month I met a guy and liked him and wanted to continue. Not long after it started I saw he couldn’t seem to say it was over for him but in every concrete way, he had backed off enough to be distant but held onto me enough to not stop. Now normally this could go on for months or years. I noticed and waited only a day. My friends said give it time and don’t scare him away. But I didn’t get that approach anymore. Scare what away? I am not trying to get something. I am just trying to learn and be a better person in the company of another who is doing the same with me.
So despite my friends advice I initiated a talk and when that didn’t help the day after I instigated the leaving. I left nothing to ambiguity. I sent him a message and explained that we didn’t need to blame each other but we could have been more honest (he could have 😝) with ourselves first. No ones a bad person for changing their mind and we are not bad to know what we want either.
How unusual of me, I thought as I pondered on the quick break up and his happiness and gratitude that I seemed to read his mind and understand. I didn’t resent him and I know I will have no problem in the future to probably be a good friend to him.
I love people easily but what is love?
I don’t have the full answer but from where I stand today, my exercise in Love is Accepting love. Full of heart. Which had been hard to do. As was understanding when it was love or not. I could give it but had a hard time accepting it back.
Giving is love. This I have some practice with but it’s just that…a practice. If you stop you lose how to do it.
There is no one you love more than you children. You don’t love them at first sight. They make you feel crazy and there are moments when you want to throw them out the window but you come to love them more than anything.
Today when I ask myself if I would let my son date someone like me as I am today to my surprise I say yes. I see myself and say… why not?
I would be happy with that.
I don’t know exactly but I kind of like myself these days. I am sort of proud that I am so badass and it’s 180 degree shift of who I had been my whole life. I voice all the contents of my heart and my vulnerability and I idolize no one.
I like how upfront I am and even if the men that I meet that can’t stay in this country or continue in a couple they tell me repeatedly they love my honesty. I make them laugh. I am not selling a car. I am not selling myself. I don’t worry if they like me. I hope they do and I hope I get them to laugh but I don’t feel it’s the end of the world if we don’t hit it off. And if they like me, it’s a vulnerable funny person who is searching for answers that appears and won’t define herself on them.
I can love people in 5 minutes and I leave in 2 seconds if that’s how it has to be but everyone leaves an impression and helps me learn.
I am happy I didn’t always get what I wanted because what I have is better than what I would have prayed to get for myself.