Dreams of fathers and lovers and countries…it’s been a long time and I know I’ve been quiet but not because I’ve been forgetful of you. no. u have been on my mind and in my heart.
You are so young and just weeks from becoming 49.
I had dreams about you. Ever since the day I knew I would leave for Maroc. I dreamed that someone would come to me on a step, and tell me that you had gone. So I waited. Waited to see if it would come true…but no, no one ever came and so I believed that you were still with me. You surprised me dad. (smile)
In leaving everything I love…leaving Maroc, leaving my father, leaving my first love story—all complicated and dynamic, all larger-than-life, all things I was just beginning to know… I am left redressing my closets, sending out all that isn’t like this thing called love and changing my mind. radically.
I pray that peace finds you. Like momma said, “Even after death, no earthly thing can keep us apart.” I know so much kept us apart dad.
I know so much kept her and I apart too. I remember when she and I were sleeping, there was nothing that mattered in our room. She had me. She was my love and she knew that…the girl whose name meant “the land where our ancestors are buried”.
My momma said that no earthly thing can keep us apart. You are in a land that I can’t find.
So it won’t matter that “i am” and you can stop saying that “we’re just too different”.
In heaven I won’t be out of the closet or that skinny bitch in those skinny clothes. I won’t be a chick and especially not That chick who keeps running her mouth and saying what she doesn’t know. I will finally “think instead of analyze”. I’ll stop burning blushes in my cheeks for my shame, my joy, my love, and the “my” of my selfishness that rules me. I’ll stop being a thief circulating in crowds that weren’t meant for me. And I will never, ever be that arrogant little lily whose face is fit for screaming at, who is lost in a Mexican, Arab, Jewish, North African name that confuses all the other names you know for me.
Earthly things keep us apart my dear love and my father is in the earth that I can’t find, but when we’re sleeping I reach for you love. When no one could remind us of who we were suppose to be, you let me kiss your girl lips love. And I am fit for crying love. When the day goes away and you cling to my chicked out body that I know you, love. Cause when we closed the door we found a little peace love. Where nothing came between me and you love. When all I could do was hold onto you for myself, hold you, love, just, you. I’m losing myself. but I’m thirsty. Thirsty for this unearthly thing. This water that has no edges, no hands, and no feet to run; that is thicker then this air, stronger then us, crashing into me, moving us away always.
I end thinking of water and heaven, in a dream, at night, under the sheets…I am waiting for the day that I see you again. On the brightest day of the world.