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the sand

“Dear Friend,

I have been watching the sun from the terrace and i did not feel lonely. i think i do not feel lonely when i travel deep inside myself. i just fell in one direction into the well of my emotions and i would still see one small patch of the sky. deep down there i was thinking that there are so many possibilities i could love myself in a concrete, comforting way. i revisited my weeks of lonliness for you and the moments of desire with you and i found out that i could not be mistaken about the things i feel about you. it is your face that makes short reappearences and it has the depths of some subterranean place. in the pictures i have of you, your eyes decided not to give me any pieces of the puzzle and this story has no borderlines with anything alse. no final shape. it is so confusing to crave for a final shape because there is none for it. It has no real clue because it is floating the way a boat does upon unknown waters. While it goes, it stirs me to think. only then I have no idea what direction it is going. I continue walking besides you now and I feel a conscious starvation for regular breathing. I am walking in rolling sand and I am out of breath and i can feel your hand on my shoulders and on my back. we are walking slowly and I do not know what to tell you. once we are on top of the dune we do not talk and I am free to make my dreaming games. you walk away too. Did this happen to me or did this happen to you?.  i can look for evidence in the deep far mist just when the self is confused.  in the deserted vastness, there are men and women who look at you and want to touch your body. There are men and women who see you and fall into your eyes. There are men and women who would like to feel your sadness and joy through distances between Hello’s and Goodbye’s. and there are others and I do not know about them because they are not sure what to feel or think about you.  i can only be lost in the crowd with the rest or find myself a special place on top of the dune that you helped me reach. on top of the sand oceans I started dreaming about you again:

“i dreamt i was five and I was walking  to school with you in the mountains. I took long hours seeing your child drawings and I  hid them from the drops of the rain when it started drizzling. I shared with you the bits and slices of bread that my mother gave  me for lunch. i held your school bag while you are walking within a distance to see a big wild flower that you refused to pick. i  shared with you the small bit of chocolate that my mother buys for every child in my family on the Friday market.

“I did not grow up since then  and I will keep those feeling and dreams in my secret chocolate box. I can take looks at them everytime I miss them just to make sure they are still there. 

“it is friday afternoon and i feel free. There  are only two things that matter. Love and Faith. You said it.  i believe in it. i  believe in you.”

 

I end
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