I’m keeping your heart…

I woke up this morning in a beautiful home with a beautiful family, sleeping in a bed with blue blankets that overlooks the entire city, with ceilings that reach up forever but don’t seem to alienate you…there are even two little girls (brilliant, sweet, gorgeous) who wake me up in the morning with the piano and French.

I am for the first time in two weeks completely surrounded with home in so many meanings of that word. I thank god for bringing me a little peace, letting me see another way to live, and all of it is reminding me of you. I know there are only a few more days until I come home (Saturday afternoon/evening I should be back at Smith) but this morning, on the giant rug in my new room at the foot of my bed with half a mile of rug to the giant mirror on my dresser, I closed my eyes and saw you.

I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to describe what is indescrible…to describe how a heart misses you. Or how my spirit misses you completely. To anyone else it doesn’t seem the same, doesn’t seem that long. A week is just a week, a month still a month, for me an eternity.

On the exhale I sent out a pray knowing that the sun is coming up. It’s the beginning. It’s the beginning of my life and I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I’m excited and scared at the same time. I’m not afraid though…I know we can greet whatever comes, but I want to do so with grace, but I don’t want to be completely graceful. I want to be outrageous. I want to be happy despite the hardness. I want to love you completely with no reservation, like the bubbles covering and sliding off of a baby in her bath. I want to be what is drowning you in tickles, coating you over remaining lite, popping and changing shape from bubbles to covers…it’s complete, it makes you laugh and it’s all you need even when it makes you cry touching your eye. I want to be this. I want to love you.

A confession. I feel a bit today as if I’m not able to stand up entirely, as if I’m limping around sideways, walking around myself. With you not here I am forced to know what it will feel like to be without you. If and when life takes you far from me and you and I part, I know how the little child in me will feel, the one that’s clinging on to you but is still able to fall asleep in faith of seeing you again…that part of me will miss you deeply, like I miss you now. But I’m smiling…shit, because I love you. Hear this.

*SHOUT* I love you! *SHOUT*

I laughed out loud seeing your posts! OMG! I got it. mangos! my face engorged! you’re crazy! I really, honestly, a-dore you.


4 thoughts on “I’m keeping your heart…

  1. extended paroxysm
    do you know the word “paroxysm”? in greek it’s root means to sharply stimulate/invoke, as an adjective, it means to provoke something suddenly, like a convulsion, spasm, or even an explosion.

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