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ranting before a photo shoot and a film lecture

I am healthy. I am safe. I am working. I have met people on my journey who have helped me. wonderful
people but this is not my country, this is such a different world, there are so many ways I am that I am
not in the states and vice a versa. Not that one is better or worse. I only know that morocco is becoming
home and I have no desire to leave it. America takes me father away from myself. And here. well. It brings me farther from myself but in a different way. One that I like. Here I don’t forget life, I live it and it’s hard but I try.

there are so many differences. Language for one. God there are days I would kill to curse in English. I
want to not sound stupid. I want someone to understand what my papers mean. and for some people I love, they have lives and I have moments. And then there are some foreign concepts like fidelity in Casablanca and private space and depression and tea without sugar. and when you go to bed with someone and they tell you innocently one day that they thought you would be a slut because you are American…well, you sort of say, ‘ah, okay’ and leave it alone because there are other battles to lose tomorrow. And you desire their presence partly with shame because it makes walking down the street easier. you know this secretly and sometimes they do as well. You wish you didn’t need anything but you need such a number of things all at once. it takes a bit of courage to step out of the door but once it’s done you continue until you find yourself almost there.

I am speaking in code. it is a discourse of things that were done and they had reactions. I hope that we can
say that we learned from our lives. Our experiences. Experimentation, touching, feeling, lose, dreams, feeling crazy. mad. Insane angry without reason although you have your reasons. And I mine. No one asked you to stay. I only begged you to stay. Every time you left. Of course you made me swear not to tell. and we never spoke again. Except on occasional moments in bad dreams where you get in touch with the hatred but you wake and feel nothing.

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