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i can see myself with you, i can see myself without you

i said, “I don’t think i want to live with you anymore.”

that sounds harsh but i don’t think it is if you consider that when one hopes and tries and fails it either has to get better or it has to fall apart for good.

i thought the roof would shatter. i thought yelling and breaking dishes would follow. but no. to my surprise it was quiet even.

i love you. and i love you too

but

“i don’t know if i want to be with you anymore.”

a nod of the head. it ended peacefully for the night but i know this peace is fleeting. in one months time, maybe more or less, there will be a fight over something silly. maybe if i ask him to help me in our life with something small like the food or the dishes he will say, “i don’t want to be your bitch.”

my father wasn’t a bitch. he cooked for us. he took care of us. he made us jewelry. he was a craftsman. why does it mean that you’re a bitch to take care of your woman?

i know, that as much as i try to believe that one day we can just work it out for her sake i also know i am leaving for her sake.

summer is coming and i am waiting, for the fight that will send us into a chaos and it will be our last. breaking the house,becoming free because if i stay i become my mother, eating bitterness and resentment and if i leave i may stand a shot at being someone my daughter can look up to.

i let myself change, thinking that this was just what happens when you mature and its not. because i felt something…with you i felt something alive and i realize that i don’t have to be angry or lonely in a vast silence. i don’t have to dumb myself down to fit into a country. i can exist and someone will love me. always.

in two days everyone from my past has made contact. My ex called, my old friends fixed appointments and sent letters…i am going to start talking to them again. why not.

sometimes i see you in my life. seamlessly there coming in and out. eating at the table with me. i’ll take care of you. and you me.

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