you are the light of my life

you see i am a fighter. i am not innocent. i don’t back down. i don’t walk away from a fight. i am nice but i am hard. i don’t want to… but i have to defend myself.

sometimes it hurts that i can’t find the words in his language. i want to break things but i can’t because i will have to clean the mess later and i really don’t like to fight like this. i fight within rules. politely. but he doesn’t have rules. when you have the tools to break someone’s heart, do you use them? i hate to fight like this and with time i have felt i am also becoming ugly.

i don’t want to die bitter. i don’t want to grow ugly.

i think he will understand one day why i am going to make this voyage.

i have so many dreams and my daughter is a gift that is a huge dream realized. i love her to pieces.

and my friends. i have always had few but great friends. true.

so i said this is why. i need to go on this voyage alone.

noise. a fight. yet again.

but this time i never cried. i never shouted. i never insulted even though i wanted to cry and i wanted to break everything but i didn’t want to break myself. i want to fight for myself. and this key difference that i didn’t want to hurt myself made me tough and i said well i have to go shopping so stay here and do nothing.

The man says to the little woman: when i met me you had nothing thus you are/were nothing?

This is true the little woman had come on payment from both the american and moroccan governments. run out of money but not her work. the woman has education and wisdom.

what have you done in your life except skip school and sell drugs? she went where she had been denied. she made a middle path in her life and walked on it. what have you done?

you don’t understand he’s lived a hard life. he’s been beaten and he had no money he’s been in prison and he lived on the street…

and what about me. i had a hard time too. maybe harder than you. and i am not beating people up. i am not lying. i am not really afraid like you.

wait for the money. the man will be rich and he will be nice.

money doesn’t give you love or the spirit or peace or hope or brilliance or intelligence or compassion but it can give you more power to use more insults like “i bought this and you were nothing before i met you….”

that money…you can take it and leave me be. don’t tell me to just get rich and shut up and be happy with your mediocrity but not with my genuine life.


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