you are so easy to adore
i didn’t want you to see me today. i was a mess. i am so vulnerable at this moment. i only want you to see me at my best, strong.
i want to crawl into your arms, i want to hold your body as close as i can to mine.
you noticed my new mark. how can you see such a small detail of my body? you knew my body before and as a wise man with beautiful eyes you sense my body now.
one day, when all is calm and the storm is over. when i know i don’t just need you but that i want you and you know i am not a patch to smooth over your heart’s ache. one day, when all is clear would you want me…to hold my hand over your heart.
i put myself in your position everyday. everything you have done i could have done. what you have done i also have done.
do you ever fear you might have made the perfect choice that was the biggest mistake? and the little mistake has been the wisest choice of your life? why do you look like a guest at your own wedding? why are you crying in front of your children? why do you call this a rush and not what it is? a tragedy. worse than war when a man becomes a tyrant, when reality becomes the next 5 seconds, when the future the next 5 minutes, when your wife’s body belongs to you, and as long as you don’t call it what it really is it can exist for what it really is.
i will not be like your heros. i will not be like my mother. i won’t stay tied in a sinking ship.
when this is over and i have walked through and come out on the other side will you be there to greet me?
if one day you and i are walking alone. if you ever want my friendship, you have it. if you want my heart, we can try to share it. there is room behind these closed walls where i lay in bed looking into my eyes, trying to recall the way your eyes smiled and your eyes asked me questions and you sometimes said nothing at all.
there are many things i don’t ask. not because i don’t want to know you. i do. i observe and i get the measure of the truth and i understand. i do. like someone who might love you