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the mind of a dreamer

my friend Rajaa told me that the last time she let herself fall blindly in love was when she was still a young woman. She was in love with a boy, it was her first big love. She was ready to live or die for him. He called her one day on the phone and told her that he was getting married, to someone else. She couldn’t leave her bed for days. She just lay lifeless on her mattress unable to lift herself.

When she told me that I felt such a loss for her. it was the loss of innocence. if you look at how much love and life she has in her you would never know she’s been hurt. she has become wiser and stronger and gives me the best advice anyone has ever given me about love. She has always been right and somehow she is with me so strongly today. i feel her standing in my room and i can at least comfortably say that i took her advice and am the wiser for it. my heart is still intact and i am not laying lifeless on the floor.

It’s funny how things turn full circle and cut you out of some stories and into others even though you thought you were navigating these options. i am living in a time when my heart is dancing…coming in and out of doors and peeking into windows. we are sure that we won’t fall in love even if it has been our tendency to fall in love all over the place. these days are for living honestly and with freedom. this perhaps makes me more vulnerable to gossip, judgement, silly men, but mostly it makes me vulnerable to loving someone even if i have known them for only a few moments.

i thought that because i have made a promise to myself to do it alone that i have made myself hard but time and distance make things clearer and i am discovering that i will never be hard and probably don’t really ever wish to be.

i dreamed. he entered my system subconsciously and i saw him maybe as someone i could love. there are so many things i admire in him. so many things i didn’t know could exist in someone. he has my respect. still.

Rajaa told me, take your time. see the truth as it unfolds. you need time to see the other’s dark sides as we all have them. if even the bad is okay then you’re half way there.

the mind of a dreamer is hard to stop when it starts dreaming. it’s a speeding train that is unstoppable without crashing itself. it’s hard for me to stop believing in you once i do. it’s hard for me to try and wrap my mind around the vision i have of a boy who loves me and gives me undivided sweet attention and respect. and encompass that with the one that tells me he is getting married, to someone else. my heart sank.

he was worried about my reaction but who am i to interfere with your life. we owe each other nothing. so i congratulated him. i had told a friend the week before that we wouldn’t likely ever get that far, but even if i said this and even if i said i will never marry…sure i cared for him. of course i loved him.

i thought i had to protect him from me and my inability to honor any dreams of marriage or family. but it was me that needed protecting. the ideas i had of him, most of them are changing. not to bad. just to different. i knew we were different but i didn’t realize we really are very different. i am honest because i love you. he is dishonest to protect you when he loves you. i have no one to answer to and i am here because i want to be. i didn’t like the rules of being a wife and i didn’t free myself up to follow the rules of being mistress. rules are rules. lies are lies. no matter how nice the person.

when the dreams stop you put to rest a few of the good visions and replace them with others that are more realistic and its painful.

i want to believe that people are mostly good. i want to be a good friend. maybe he should have told me from the beginning but he didn’t. i can’t change that. do i feel wronged. no.
are we different. yes.
would we have ever been good together. perhaps.
will i recover. for sure. does it hurt still? yes.
maybe two things have happened at once. my faith in love in renewed as is my faith in people just as it is broken and broken again. i went to sleep crying and woke up smiling. this is life. we hurt each other by just existing.

it isn’t a Hollywood movie, we don’t always end up with the hero. we end up with life in our hands. but i woke up. smiling. with life in my hands. life is perfectly designed. and this is not where i get off.

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