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12 days

i am actually counting the days for someone else’s birthday. birthdays have become even more special to me since having shiyara.

my babyish wish is to have a birthday of my own…a party. I have never had a birthday party. i can’t remember a birthday party as a child and i know in my adult life its never happened. and i have wanted one more and more as the years go by. i am moving in the inverse.

my last birthday, my baby was just born and i wanted to go out and actually prepared everything for it but it was just me at the table sort of hoping something would happen until the last minute. the time before i was pregnant and i wanted to just have a quiet one on one stay at home dinner but it was more like work. it was spent keeping up appearances not even for my family or friends but someone else’s. I waited at someone’s house as they didn’t talk to me and my husband went into the kitchen to do whatever it was that he needed or wanted to do. At 1 in the morning i took my pregnant self home and cried it off. The year before that i can’t remember a thing. The year before that it was just two friends that liked me but felt uncomfortable together sitting at a cafe. The year before that I spent it alone. The years before that i remember only two. Once my first year in college when Lindsey took me to dinner and the year after when a girlfriend made me a cake took me to an Indian restaurant, bought wine and we walked in the cold streets but she took care of me.

The first time I ran around grabbing decorations, unembarrassingly calling people, taking photos and feeling so so happy was for Shiyara. It is the closest I have come to celebrating my birthday because i could not be happier that she was born to me. God i love her. Her birthday’s will always be special for me and somewhere that she will remember and feel loved loved loved.

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