right when i start to think life can be this way and go down that road and turn around the bend and….
[interruption of fantasy]
i am disappointed that it wasn’t what i thought it was and also so grateful to see that there are again so many possibilities.
you see people as new again. his smile, those eyes, that little boy who has been chasing me for years. and i don’t know what to do about him.
in only a few days so many new things have changed…things end, things start, new people are discovered that you really can’t dwell too much on what doesn’t happen.
pa/trick shared chicken wings with me and as i sucked out the marrow from the bones. he laughed at me and liked it, said a few things that made everything all alright. he called me “The Hot Girl” (*i smile aw the vanity*) and said he hoped i wasn’t even thinking about this next week and pointed out one very very true thing that has gotten me thinking.
he said, If someone can’t have a connection by just sitting down and talking to you that they need to create the drama and introduce other elements than what are you hanging around that for?
he wanted to prove his point but it required i send a text. i took my phone back and said even though yes i am sure he has a very good point the problem is we can’t prove it because “i wouldn’t ever do that.” I would never make contact like this now under these circumstances.
he said, “okay i’ll do it for you.” “No.” I took the phone back. “Not with my phone. I would never. I would be silent all my life then to play into this.” and it hit me that this is a good thing. if i would never do these things to get someone this way this is a good thing. why would i want to fight and manipulate and lure and construct a whole universe of bullshit for something full of hot air that will run out of steam in a few miserable months based on nothing when i want something living breathing and walking towards me. i am a big girl and a big enough mess for the two of us. we don’t need more. no more drama baby.