You Can’t Shame Me For My Nature

I am a total freak but I don’t feel bad to say that. Should I be ashamed of liking a climax and contact?

A white boy from America staying the year in Casablanca with dreams of getting into the US government, calls me insulting words designed to punish sexually empowered women because he can’t sleep with me and feels threatened because I get more head than him.

Even my baby’s daddy sat me down and said that if I go out with men I will ruin my name in the Jewish community. I started laughing. Do you think my dream is to live for the gossiping little boys in town? His eyes got wide like he was frightened by me: “You want people to know you are sleeping around! You can’t Michelle. You have to understand you aren’t a man.”

Exactly, I am a Woman and I will not be hiding what I do or doing it for anyone.

There is something in this that pisses me off, when he says I must remember that I am a woman as if I don’t know that fact and as if being a woman came with a script. And it included that I should hide parts of myself away be it my face or by body or my life and truth.

It disturbs me more when I discover my current boyfriend is a passive aggressive misogynist that masks his insults in care and niceness because “he loves me” and he doesn’t want me to be called “a bitch” and a “whore” even though by imagining this possibility on me, it’s so backhanded. “You should protect yourself” he says, “because when your baby grows up they will say she is a bitch like her mother.”

A few sentences later into a new conversation I stopped and said, “Wait can we go back a moment. Did you just say in that pseudo-nice voice and smile that I should be afraid of what I do because you and others will call me a bitch?”

He looked down with a smile. Shit, he must be thinking, she didn’t just subconsciously digest my shit and she won’t just swallow the guilt and fall in line like a good girl.

“Well, i don’t think that,” he says. “But of course that is the way it is.”

“Oh right you just want to educate me.” I say in disbelief.

Does he actually think I lived past the age of four and didn’t get an education about my inferior status and utility? I was first introduced to “womanhood” early and learned what misogynistic societies seem to prize women for, and that it was a danger to me to be a female in this world. But sure, he “just wanted to remind me…and protect me” because he cared?

He was not protecting me, he was passive aggressively reminding me to stay in line. 

I have been called many names when in my life I wished to live unafraid and did so. I want to live with dignity without hiding myself. So I don’t hide.

In my experience here on earth, I found that our struggle to live in this world fully with self-determination is beat down every day in a thousand invisible ways.  Men are afraid of women, afraid of women owning the same air they reserve for themselves, probably related to not wanting to give up thousands of years of controlled free slave labor (processed through societal norms).

This is much bigger than sex because sex and my sex choices and their right to exist free-from slut-shaming is just a small part of the bigger issue.

Sexual liberation and the women’s movement were not about “sex crazed” women who want to fuck, as I have heard it described by many men.  Yes we all like sex, yes, even women. The larger point is that women need to live free of propaganda, violence, gas-lighting, rape and abuse… free from sexual abuse as children…and allowing women and girls to live without psychological warfare…to own their sexuality as it’s the source of creation and creativity, color, form, art and even joy in the world.

Sex is an act. It’s one expression of sexuality. Sexuality is a way interacting with the world, yourself and others and finding that little warm feeling that makes you feel sparks of joy and harmony and peace with the world.

It’s about women and it’s at the end also about male health and happiness too. Where women are (more or less allowed) to strive for equality, findings found men in those places were happier and healthier then their counterparts.


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