a man from israel came to have shabbat with us. a mystic. he said that we always think that we can “make” peace and “make love” and “make children”. he said it was all wrong. we can only receive love and receive children and receive peace. all this talk of “making it” is only another way of trying to control it and own it and with this mentality we will never get those things we chase after and ask to conform to our will.
as he said that i felt that i got it finally. all these months trying to make love and make peace…and getting no love or peace. it’s like shiyara. she has nothing to do with me. she is a gift from g-d that i received and had nothing to do with making…she indeed was received…then i understood the other parts. i have been trying to make love a reality while the whole time protecting myself from it and from him and never showing a side of myself that is vulnerable enough to be out of control. and i have not made love, i have not had peace, just one explosive fight after the other.
later that week i sat down with vanessa and she translated the hebrew to me about Rosh hashana…it said that g-d will give you all his blessings when you are able to receive them. when you are capable.
i realized i have been given so many blessings even though i waste time worrying about where i am and where i am not in life.
i went to synagogue by myself and heard the shofar and prayed for my man and my baby and myself and that this year my spirit be lifted higher and i am emptied of any ego that gets in the way of love and life and peace.
i have been loving him more. i am happier and its clearer.
angels have walked into my path and opened the windows and this does not happen everyday. i feel that life will work out. i feel hope.
and simo…thank you for your mind that is a light. when i am around you i fly higher.