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self-preservation

I assumed the man trying to flirt with me had nothing to teach me. probably was only here to fuck and didn’t respect my intelligence and thinking he was more powerful than me and earnest to know me for as long as it would take to get in my pants. he sprawled on the floor. a flirt. and sometimes it was working.

it wouldn’t have been hard to sleep with him. he’s tall and has his charm but sleeping with him i know would not be half as interesting as hearing him speak. and i want to know him more and once you’ve slept with a man it gets messed up. if you like him it’s worse. wires get crossed, people fall in love, people get hurt but i get the feeling this man likes it that way.

well I like him. i like his work. i wanted to see him and i assumed that he would distract me from my problems but i didn’t think he could inspire me. and he did inspire me.

yes he’s absurd like me, and yes he’s fearful like me although masking it. he’s attack prone…but despite all of that… he inspired me and i needed to be inspired by someone.

he’s honest. he’s open. he’s more free than most men i have met. he’s a mess and he knows it and he gives you the allowance to do the same. which was what i needed but didn’t take him up on it.

i needed a hug. he gave me one. i needed tenderness. he gave me moments of that too. i wanted a brother to hold me and tell me everything would be okay…but i didn’t say i needed anything. i let myself be hugged. i let him touch me at my toes, then, quickly moved away.

i liked the inspiration and comfort his presence brought. especially because i have been feeling that my life has been a fraud for the last year and half.  i have created a persona for self-preservation and i have been burnt despite all my defenses.

he was inspiration. like the beach. the sun hugging me with its heat and laying a new color on me, marking me with its kiss. the wind flirting with me trying to get my attention and tickling my hair. the waves giving me a new rhythm to my broken heartiness. the beach healed me. when i am there i feel g-d loves me. that i am special in the universe. that i am whole again. and when i woke up, something was healed. something did shift.

back at my place a day later, the man on my floor who got to me by being kind and taking the soft position, said that maybe i wanted to not resolve something and take longer to do that and he was right. he’s quite right as he is quite lovable thus his success with women. it’s too bad that we can’t take people in with a dose. they fall in like avalanches and mudslides. we can’t be safe. it’s always too much.

so i keep him at arms length, just enough for a hug. an arms’ length because like i said before, i don’t start something with someone i could really fall for. i keep him at an arms length so i can be a friend that he doesn’t sleep with. at arms length because i could do all those things i shouldn’t with him.

he said in observation, and correctly that we aren’t calculating machines. i was being pragmatic.

sometimes love and protection come together for self-preservation for the continuation of inspiration. thus, this myriad of contradictions that is me at this moment and it’s just a moment that i hope to shift through and come out of on the other side.

like the AA’s guideline adapted for michelle medina:  i need to have the courage to choose love and the wisdom to pick someone well. so i can get naked and love again from my soul, becoming better than this and to be human again. honestly, freely, wholly fucking human again. and he has inspired me.

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