so…i am going up to tanger to teach a workshop at the cinematique of tanger, cinema rif. it should be fun. i want to go with a head that is free and clear.
today my delayed emotions rumbled in me as we drove. and i yelled for the first time at my daughter in the car…but later on in the day back at home she bit my nose really good. she knew it and left the room quick. she would come back in and i’d tell her mommy was still upset at what she did.
i was a little overwhelmed. there were two lunches i went to and i ate at neither of them. there are so many things to say to you and so many ways to say it but i will say nothing. none of the words. they are inside me and there they stay.
i walked out of a car today to clear my head. i left my baby with a friend and walked. i had to get out, calm down. get into my thoughts. i didn’t go home. i walked the streets of gautier. getting back to my apartment near the twin.
i thought but mostly i felt my heart welling up. i stared at the people walking the streets and unloading furniture and garbage. i just observed as if quietly curious at how everything continues on even when you slump into a weak mood.
there was a pillow fight. he was throwing pillows and the other was throwing pillows at him and shiyara was happy to not be the target but at the center. i laughed, and forgot for a moment all the complications and crossed wires.
tonight my stirring heart rested. i unpacked the feelings. left the details out. tried to get to the heart of the matter and i did.
a friend came to town and i unpacked. laid the weight down. and lighter i felt.
my friend suggested that tomorrow i start yoga. and many more things to center me. i want to be grounded in this time of change in my life. my internal, secret life.