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To Bring My Body Here

i put myself in your position everyday. everything you have done i could have done. what you have done i also have done.

do you ever fear you might have made the perfect choice but it was a huge mistake? and your little mistake was the wisest choice of your life? why do you call this a rush and not what it is? a tragedy. reality becomes the next 5 seconds, the future the next 5 minutes, and as long as you don’t call it what it really is it can exist for what it really is.

teach a group of children for 4 hours straight. i wish i was like them in that moment. they are perfect. none of their decisions have changed anyone else’s life. they have yet to be faithful, happy or unhappy in their beliefs, they have yet to go to prison or sell drugs or their bodies… they are so perfect and in this moment in my life i wish i had a teacher and a mother. like a child i wish you could make it all better when zoubir steals my pen or when fatima hits me or when issam won’t share his scissors.

yesterday i laid down on the kitchen floor and screamed so loud and so long. it was the last noise of a long chapter and i am the author.

(April 5, 2009)

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