I arrived in New York with Shiyara and couldn’t have been happier to embrace Tati and Vova and introduce them to Shiyara. All the tiredness disappeared. After dinner and a shower, Shiyara and I went off to bed but not before the questions, “So how is your boyfriend? What’s the news?”
I forgot that when breaking up, you relive it every time someone asks you for all your good news. I saved that conversation for a few days later when I finally explained why it wasn’t going as we all predicted it would because of things I did and things that I felt and reacted to.
Linz heard the whole story and said, “Do you think sometimes you focus more on the times he didn’t do right and ignore all the times he was into you and perhaps overly into you?”
I listened. Sure, she’s right. Especially now, of course, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t the right decision or that even if I looked at things differently that the conclusion would have been different.
Tati said people don’t change. Can you handle that?
I am not original in that I can barely see things past my own pain in relationships so I want to know if what I had done to my ex was the same or worse then was done in my direction because I am sure I did bad shit but what I did exactly and how it made the other feel I don’t know.
On the plane ride over to NYC with no where to go, nothing to film, nowhere to move on the plane for hours, I had time to think. I tossed and turned trying to think of anything else but my ex. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but it then played like a movie. Images and phrases repeated on a loop. Actions and words that would have been so insignificant to the actor because they took only a few half-seconds to play out and seemed harmless were played out again and again and with each time they were delivered an electric twinge went off in my chest or stomach. Small actions linger in us for a very long time but the doer of those split second actions and speaker of those one or two words don’t remember anything and would be surprised to learn that they hurt and stayed with us.
Hindsight is for when you have no interest in keeping the boat sailing. Even if we want things to be good and fine, if they are not, they will come out of us eventually whether we like it or not sometimes kicking and screaming.
After speaking with Tati she reminded me that everyone gets hurt no matter how many years and how much they love each other. We are imperfect and we live to love and get hurt and hope that we can bounce back.