I am behind the camera most times and sometimes I go in front of it like I did today. I took my tripod and my child with my equipment and got in a taxi without waiting for someone to come for me. I filmed for the news channel and met with the mother of my ex. We love each other, why I don’t know. I see her as a cutie. People think she’s crazy. Perhaps we have this in common.
On the way back home the King’s car and entourage passed us as we were forced to pull over and wait for them to speed past. I returned to release the painters trapped on my balcony that were working until I got back.
I wanted to sleep to forget the pinging in the back of my chest but I decided to fight the desire to self destruct, two things easy to embrace in Morocco. I took my camera out and turned it on myself. I confessed everything to my camera as if it were my silent friend.
I watched the rushes back and was surprised by how I looked. I was beautiful and raw, naked in front of the lens.
The camera did what the camera does not always do. It released me from myself. I was not caught in a moment. I was captured in spirit and released from myself.
I heard myself on camera say, “Michelle you sometimes have no compassion for yourself. Have some compassion for yourself.”
My camera let me have compassion for myself which in turn let me release and walk away from the feelings. I was able to leave it all behind and go do something ‘ordinary’ like make shabbat dinner with a full heart of happiness and joy.
Shiyara lit candles and prayed by herself sometimes repeating back what she heard me pray. She covers her eyes and says, “I love you Mommy, bless her, her name is Michelle and I love papa, I love shalom.” She set the table by herself and looked forward to wash her hands with me and to sing Shalom Aleichem remembering all the words.
After she slept in the candle light next to us in bed, I slipped into the other room.
I closed my eyes telling her a story and praying with every step.