“If we marry your name will be Mrs. Blah Blah @*$&@#$. How does that sound?” He says proudly trying to win me over.
“No. My name will remain what it has always been.” I reply sourly, annoyed we are having this same argument AGAIN.
“I won’t marry you unless you change your name.”
“Are you serious?”
“Of course. What woman doesn’t take her husband’s name?”
“Moroccan women don’t take their husbands name. Why do I have to erase my history to be with you? It’s my name.”
“Because that is what women do when they marry.”
“I don’t want to erase my name.”
“Well we have a problem then.”
“Would you take my name?”
“So why are you asking me to change my name when you wouldn’t even consider it?”
“Because I am a man.”
“And? Is there anything more you want to add to that?”
“That’s just how it is.”
– – –
We laugh to not cry because this is just another typical day in the life of a woman having an all too common argument about fairness, normative heterosexual performances and subtle misogyny.
It’s amazing how adorably unfair many men can be to their loved ones still even after so many years of “enlightenment”. They expect women they are sleeping with to get paid at work much less then them but still help pay their bills 50/50 (because they believe in equality like that), clean and cook and rear their children 100 percent, not make trouble and have excellent sex with them because this is all like a waaaay sexy turn on.
Arguing is normal in relationships and cover the ridiculous to the more emotionally exasperating that lead to either breakthroughs or breakups.
– – –
“I would love to have sex with you and another woman since you like women and all.”
“It sounds great but I don’t think I would want you anywhere near me if I was to have sex with a woman.”
“I would want to be with a woman all by myself.”
“That would be cheating.”
“You think that’s cheating? Okay. Well how would you feel about having another man with us in bed?”
“That will never happen.”
“It’s okay to have another woman but not another man.”
“Because. I’m a man.”
– – –
After 2 or 3 of these types or arguments a week they pile up especially because men think it’s your womanly duty to smile, agree, open our legs and give birth to their babies despite the double standards.
If reincarnation is possible, I am sure I was a man and not like a George Washington or a Pharaoh type but like a prison break criminal with no patience for a man to overlord me.
I once had a full out fight with a boyfriend over a shirt that personally insulted my family members and to women I love who were forced into conditions that were inhuman. He had bought it as a souviner from a place that celebrated female human trafficking and it deeply offended me. I tried to first explain to him as a man who loved me that it hurt my feelings. His response was:
“You see you have to understand that it’s just a shirt.”
He tried to put it all into perspective for me because according to him, I needed to stop overreacting because I was letting my family and my strong negative feelings about human dignity get in the way of his t-shirt and his idea of fun.
I gave him the benefit that he didn’t understand so I tried again to explain that this t-shirt celebrates something traumatic for me. As someone who loves me, could he protect and respect my feelings?
“No, I like this shirt. I like wearing it to bed.”
“You want to wear that shirt to bed with me?” I asked dumbfounded.
“Yes. You just have to understand that it’s just a shirt. I have the right to have my shirt.”
I too felt I also had the right to then take some scissors and cut a corner out.
“Now you can wear the shirt.”
“YOU CUT MY SHIRT!!! YOU CUT MY SHIRT!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!”
“Yes I cut a small part out because you said you really liked the shirt. See now you can still wear it, it looks hipster and hey you can wear to bed with me now minus the offensive words. It’s a win-win.”
“YOU SAY YOU’RE SORRY! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU!”
Sure, maybe I shouldn’t have cut a hole in his shirt. I damaged his private property but that wasn’t as wrong as continuing to stay in his home after he chose an inanimate object over my family, my history or my feelings. It was wrong to stay after seeing nothing would alter his mindset or his closet to include a little of my world and culture into his.
If I had the confederate flag or a KKK Nazi type t-shirt on and was dating anyone other than a white supremacist I think anyone would be outraged especially if I tried to explain that I didn’t see what the big deal was. Even if I had been living under a rock I would be expected to say, “Hey sorry I didn’t know.”
If it were an ethnic group people might get it better but when it’s women, it’s a given that since the beginning of time, in every country and every religion and to each heterosexual man, women should and must put up with the small insults or large scale violence and even sort of see it as their duty to forgive and accept. Since we are forced to interact with each other one way or another these types of fights will flourish but we will try to hopefully find the humor and maybe good men will try to sensitize themselves to see women as the human deities that they are.
– – –
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