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Happiness

“My mother thinks it’s strange that you laugh so much.” The video cuts off.

I tried to not laugh as best as I could for the rest of the night finding it harder than anticipated. My laugh tells me I am alive. When I make this noise I am the biggest fan of it and I need to hear it by far the most.

The comment made me re-examine my noise level and laughing habits. I do laugh a lot.

I wondered why. I think it’s because I wasn’t allowed to have it as a child. I wasn’t allowed to be sad which I was most often, and I was never allowed to experience joy, but I was required to paste a smile onto my face.

When I was young, my dream was to be free and to be happy. Not to be rich or famous.

Now as an adult, I appreciate laughter and joy when it’s present. I want to drink from this and let it sustain me in the times of drought.

My daughter’s father came to see me so I asked him as someone who has known me for a decade. “Do I laugh too much?”  I asked.

“You laugh a lot but why do you ask that?”  He asked me. “You blush and laugh at everyone you meet. Man or woman.”

Although I would like to say to the one who thinks I laugh too much that they are completely wrong… but perhaps my laughter is also a guard, maybe it’s a defense, maybe I protect myself with an illusion of happiness. Maybe I use laughter to push away the fear of sadness.

Israel

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