A year ago I pondered on how I would feel if the son I don’t have were to date me.
…well I had never thought about it but now that I was thinking about it, it was a definite no way.
It was enlightening to stand in the streets coming to a full stop thinking about this. It wasn’t that I was a bad person but I wasn’t…someone I would want.
Why was I not good enough? I thought. Well I wasn’t fundamentally bad but I put my finger on somethings I had not ever thought about before…like I was angry most days. I was holding others to account for myself. I was in need and not a separate clear autonomous entity in orbit around her own sun.
Since then I have been rather quiet on this blog. I haven’t spent a lot of time now writing about love or its loss. I am asking if any of my loves have been loving. Somewhere in this time I stopped caring to keep people and admitting I would like to actually love. So I did the craziest thing and started to express my feelings no matter how ridiculous they made me look and feel.
I stopped being cool. Cool like the kind that says she doesn’t care when she does or that she doesn’t want to feel anything when in fact I do.
Boys have still come and gone but I am not my traditional self.
I don’t blame others for not being where “I think” they should be and just see them as they are.
This month I met a guy and liked him. Not long after it started I saw he couldn’t seem to say it was over but in every concrete way, he had backed off enough to be distant but close enough to keep holding on. Now normally this could go on for months or years. I noticed and waited only a day. My friends said give it time and don’t scare him away. Scare what away? I am not trying to get something. I am just trying to learn something perhaps in the company of witnesses.
I sent him a message and explained that we didn’t need to blame each other but we could have been more honest.
How unusual of me, I thought as I pondered on the quick break up and his happiness and gratitude.
I love people easily but what is love?
I don’t have the full answer but from where I stand today, my exercise which had been hard in the past to do was painless.
Giving is love. This I have some practice with but it’s just that…a practice. If you stop you lose how to do it.
There is no one you love more than you children. You don’t love them at first sight. They make you feel crazy and there are moments when you want to throw them out the window but you come to love them more than anything.
Today months later from when I first asked myself the question of if I would let my son date someone like me, today to my surprise I say yes. I see myself and say… why not?
I would be happy with that.
I don’t know exactly but I kind of like myself these days. I am sort of badass. I voice all the contents of my heart and my vulnerability and I idolize no one.
I like how upfront I am and even if the men that I meet that can’t stay in this country or continue in a couple they tell me repeatedly they love my honesty. I make them laugh. I am not selling a car. I am not selling myself. I don’t worry if they like me. I hope they do but I don’t feel it’s the end of the world if we don’t hit it off. And if they like me, it’s a vulnerable funny person they meet who is searching for answers but won’t define herself on them.
I can love people in 5 minutes and I leave in 2 seconds if that’s how it has to be but everyone leaves an impression and helps me learn.
I am happy I didn’t always get what I wanted because what I have is better than what I would have prayed to get for myself.